"What am I holding in my hands you ask? Oh the red is for you baby, it's "the morning after pill" And the blue one is for me, it's my "all night long before" pill! Good ol' Viagra!"
That usually was the conversation I had after a long night of partying hard and bring home some fine young thang that RSVP'd for the private after party (wink, lol)! But now with this damn recession, the only bottles being popped are beer ones. However tough times are NO reason for us to abandon our good manners is it? I feel more conversation between the sexes should be discussed about "booty call" etiquette. Everyone wants to be respected in the morning, but some HAS to been given the night before right? Okay, I will try my best to list some helpful hints to guide you through a proper "jump-off" so it can be "on" again somewhere in the future too.
If you're excepted me or company to come over invite "Mr. Clean" over first BEFORE "Mr. Right! Nothing worse than showing up at yo crib and the bed is covered in un-hung dirty clothes or your kids toys! You can't get mad at me if you find "tadpoles" on you favorite BCBG dress. Nor do I like Play-do clumped up in my "private Benjamin hairs" or action figures poking me in my ass. NO!!!
Be kind to the physical appearance of your partner when he or she is undressed. Yelling out "Hey, you better put that thing away before a bird comes pull it out the ground!" or "You ever try catching fish with that thing?" isn't sexy talk. Or guys saying "It feels like I'm on safari down here" or "Looks like a cave in a thick forest!" is insensitive and rude I might add. Be nice people. I usually hear "I thought it was illegal to keep a Boa in a NYC apt." Till I show them papers that, yes you can keep one.
Look at 4:00-5:00 in the morning I'm tired too! Trust me "morning wood" aka "fresh lumber" is just as good in the rising sun hours as it is in the twilight ones. Depending on HOW good it may be, you might convince the other to take a sick day off (wink). Unless they're unemployed, in between jobs at the time. Then you have a problem on your hands.
Perception is EVERYTHING! You may not be exclusive to one another but pulling out a Cost-Co size box of condoms is spooky for ANYBODY! Fake it like you're fumbling around for them for a sec or two, make things SEEM spontaneous. Everyone knows out of a box of 60 and your down to 12 left those others joints were NOT used as party balloons my friend. Ladies ask if he has one first before you jump up and offer.
"Sniff, sniff" you smell that? No? Well s**t I DO and it's a problem!" Wash people. All that "moonwalking" and "signaling the plane" CAN work up a mean sweat in your lower regions. An after club shower (together perhaps) will fix that in no time lickety split. If not then no lickety I'll just split...out!
Look I know you get FREE nights and weekends but SHEESH! Texting butt ass naked "Hey, I got in safe he FINALLY woke up this time!" can wait till morning. After four or five unreplied texts, your girlfriends will figure it out. Or read about you in the papers next day (lol)! Either way I'm KILLIN' it!
BTW ever hear of No-doz, or Red Bull, perhaps even a cup of coffee? Well next time don't have her/him travel great distances to "get some" only to fall asleep and not answer/hear texts/phone calls/ door bell/ banging door/ whistles/ car horn/ WTF's. If you're TOO tired to stay up then you're too tired to "stay up!"
Ummm, I saw ALL those wash cloths in your bathroom, after sex can get one wet WARM one PLEASE? I'm a guest here, or does the hot water NOT work? At least a Wet-Wipe maybe...
No? You must like me looking like a Krusty Kreme donut huh?
Also if you know it's the wee hours of the morning and I have neighbors "Shhhh!" keep it down a bit. It sounds as if we have gospel choir practice up in here. With all this calling of Jesus name, and "Oh GOD!", and "Sweet Mary, Joseph & baby Jesus" you be doing. My neighbors are use to hearing gun shots, a young teen's baby crying, and stray cats in heat in the far distance, anything else throws them off and keeps them up at night. So "pillow talk" and use your indoor voice okay?
Lastly (for now at least) If you KNOW I'm following you on Twitter, and I see "Just finish fakin' it AGAIN! I think the cab ride over did more "bumping" then he did! LMAO. Is a bit rude (and false I might add). Think the next time(if there is one) I'll just "fake" like I'm asleep and NOT hear the door bell then. LOL