"M.I.A. -Missing Important Artist" -A Open Letter From A Fan

Dear Lauryn.

How've you been love? I know we haven't spoke in a min but, somehow I felt there was a dire need to write this letter to you, in hopes that it doesn't get sent to your spam mail (lol). Excuse me if at times it seems as if I'm rambling on, it's just that I've never wrote to huge celebrity such as yourself before, and I'm a bit nervous. So bear with me, here it goes (pause & big sigh). WE MISS YOU! Yeah, I know you hear this ALL the time from folks, but on the real, straight up between you and I, you need to get off that silly s#!+ ASAP! Music, let alone the world in general, is a little nuttier than you seem to be right now. And my theory (just my thoughts here) is that some GOOD music from you can start to heal all this mess. Or at least take us away for a brief moment. Funny how we used to bump into each other up at the campus (Columbia U.) and chat for a spell, than all of a sudden you became "the Voice of heartache" and sold trillions of records worldwide. I took the liberty of hiring a team of stylists, a therapist, a life coach, vocal trainer (back to you ol' self), and personal adviser to get things back on track. I know it's ALOT of pressure on you, and maybe just a shot in the dark, but F**K IT! I'm willing to give it a shot if you're game. Let me spell it out plain and simple fo' ya, "WE NEED NEW MUSIC PRONTO!" Clear enough? Btw I CC'd D ('Angelo), (An)Dre 3000 (at least I hear from him time to time) and Bilal with the same message, so don't think it's just you I'm singling out. Yeah I heard the "leaked" stuff, but nah I'm not settling.

Sincerely & Respectfully yours.
-the Minority Report