"Some Assembly Required" -The Avengers Movie Review

Have you ever had a crush on someone and then years later out the blue not only do they start coming around you they finally have a night of passionate sex with you? No? Well that's happened for me and that's the best way I can describe finally seeing the Avengers become a reality on screen! For years Marvel films has been dick teasing us with solo released films from each hero featured in the ensemble starting with TWO Hulks, two Iron Man flicks, then lately Captain America & Thor last year. Iron Man (thanks to Robert Downey Jr.) being the better of this bunch, Hulk being the worst. Bad ex's but not wifey, like the idea the Avengers was hoping to be. Now I've been an avid comic book collector since the early 80's and the thought of the team ever becoming a movie was as far fetched as the story lines in the books themselves LOL! And if so, NOT a very good one! I actually was nervous FOR Marvel knowing how bad this coulda ended up. EVERYONE was wrong! This movie was everything it was suppose to be! It was like not only finally getting to bed your life long crush but she invites her freaky girlfriends to join in! And then they cook breakfast the morning after! YEAH THAT GOOD! To be honest I'm more of a Batman type of guy. Not the books, more so the Nolan films. It's a bit more "reality" based for my liking. But you couldn't go that route with this one, TOO many over the top powered super beings to play it that way. So the beat 'em up explosive popcorn movie it HAS to be. the Avengers biggest battle however was to not give EVERYTHING away via the leaked flicks & 20 plus trailers! I was secretly hoping that the alien threat was those damn blue dudes from Avatar! But it's looking like the Avengers will be beating them up at the box office instead! LOL! Oh but the way, not  to spoil things for you but not only does Hulk SMASH(!) in the film, the director Joss Whedon does too! 4 out of 5 M's for this one

"Pimpin' Ain't Easy!" -More Pimpin' Words Of Advise From "Sofabed Fred"

Lately I've been taking a risk and stopping to get a quick bite before I'm off to work. Which in turn makes me late getting to my gig. However the good thing is I've been luck enough to catch up with ol' "Sofabed" and hit 'em with a couple mo' questions inquiring (my friends) minds wanna know! I NEVER know what stop he's getting off it so this time I cut the chit chat short, and went straight into quizzing cat daddy about the 411 of "the Game" So I set it off with a fairly interesting one...

Dear "Sofabed Fred,"
I'm REALLY digging this young lady that I've been seeing lately. The convo is on point, she got her paper right, AND the sex is "slap yo ex-girlfriend" good! But the trouble I seem to be encountering is that she enjoys getting oral sex from me...often. Which ISN'T a problem for me to give by ANY means, It's just that ummm, how can I put this nicely? Well let's just say my face smells like I ordered the "fresh catch of the day" when I'm done! And I'm not really sure how to approach the topic to tell her she got that "stinky pinky." It's gotten SO bad that I'm even turned off from ordering seafood when we EAT OUT (pun intended)! HELP! Cause I don't wanna throw this "fish" back in the sea! She's an otherwise "good catch" I'll be holding my nose till I hear back from you.

Signed, "Sleeping w/ the fishes"

"Sofabed Fred" says "Damn man, hearing this really upsets me! How these bitches be walking around and can't smell that catfish frying?!? I used to make ALL my hoes douche and s**t right and front of me and all. All out in the open like. Transparency like a motherf**ker man! F**k that "don't ask don't tell" bullshit! A ni**a needs to know man. Imma SMDH on this one brother! That's a sticky and wet one, but I'll tell you what you CAN do. Let me ask you, does she reciprocate the head back? See I'm only asking cause there's some antique models out there still runnin' round, not giving up any head man (chuckles)! I don't know any myself personally, but I heard rumors and thangs (LOL)! Like Bigfoot and s**t! But I say try a different approach. One night when she's looking like she's hungry for that man jerky, run to the kitchen and rub some of that tuna juice...you know from the can? NOT the tuna with the water, the tuna that soaking in that oil and s**t! Yeah, that s**t! Rub that deep into yo afro-nuts and I mean RUB that son of a bitch in deep like you shampooing yo balls with the s**t! Then when she's showing you some love below, what you do is hold that motherf**ker's head like this here (using both hands in a gripping position) and really smother the b***h face all up in it! Give her a lil' smirk as you pull her head back up fo' air. Do that twice more times, and let her dare twist up her face and give you a stank look! Man listen! That's when you say "You don't like that sh** huh now do you?!? Well bit** neither me neither me!" NOW you suffer like I have suffered or you can clean out that funky kitty litter box of yours! You understand me?" That SHOULD work. Real nice and sincere like."

Dear "Sofabed Fred",
My women and I have solid relationship going on for say two years or so now. But lately I've been hearing the complaints about "We don't go out no where anymore!" from her. And it's NOT that I don't want to take her out and about, but it's really simply cause when we do go out, I feel like I'm playing "Kevin Costner the Bodyguard" all God damn night! Cause not only is she extremely attractive, but she wears either something TOO damn short or TOO damn tight!!! No bra at times, and I can count on one hand how many panties she owns! I DO enjoy the perks like line skipping, and bottles from thirsty cats sent over to us by hungry dudes, but... I'm done (Chris Brown voice). Need to break it to her or break it off with her!

Signed, "I refuse to be Ice Tea!"

"Sofabed Fred" says...First before I answer I have a few burning questions my damn self! Question numbero uno is, is she comfortable on her feet for long hours at a time in tall heels?" Secondly is she cool with jumping in an out of strangers car late night? And my last question is, can the b***h keep her God damn mouth shut if she gets taking in by them "blue boys?" If signs say YES, then do me a solid and give her ol' Sofabed's digits man! If what you talking this chick sounds like a real bread winner (chuckles)! Don't worry I'll still let you see her from time to time, but a ni**a gon have to "pay to lay" this time around baby! I gets shivers just thinking about NEW money & NEW hoes! Ha ha! Don't hate the player or the coach, roach!

I asked him this last question just to see his reaction KNOWING I would get a classic response.

Dear "Sofabed Fred"
Why is it that whenever you're REALLY in a rush to leave the house, that's when you have to take the LONGEST sh**ts?

Sofa' took a LONG hard look at me peering over his shades speechless like he was testing me to see if I was serious. Then he said "F**K I know! What type of stupid shit is that to ask? Tell that motherf**ker take a laxative or some s**t! HAHA!

"Pimpin' Ain't Easy!" -Pimpin' Words Of Advise From "Sofabed Fred"

Often times in the morning on the train going to work, I run into this ol' G chillin' in the same car as I am. And if I'm lucky, I'll catch a seat across from him and be treated to free "relation-
ship advice" on how to "handle my womens friends" as "Sofabed Fred" would say. Now I've be DYING to do an advice column on this blog for years! But never quite kicked it off because of timing, fear of negative feedback, procrastination, etc. So when I approached "Sofabed" to ask if he would be interested he asked "What's this Interspace s**t? You mean like on the computers and thangs?" Ummm yeah, and it's called the InterNET not interspace! LOL. Gave him some small cash for this pocket to make it worth his while and proceeded to get his prospective on some pressing issues my "those whom shall remain nameless" friends may have. So I started off with a current one that seem right up his pimpin' alley.

Dear "Sofabed Fred",
I have this good friend of mine that's opposed to dating outside his race, especially WHITE women! Yet this brother is currently dating a young lady that sports this over-sized blonde weave, wears blue contacts, and I swear she's had a breast job done man! How do I explain to him that dating these "Black Barbies" is just a sign that he's in denial of hooking up with a "Becky" eventually!

Signed, "Mr GoodBar <3's the Milky Way"

"Sofabed Fred" says "This brother sounds like a young blood huh? Am I right? I would tell 'em like I tell all my 8 sons...It's ALL PINK baby! Stop tripping off skin junior, we all dark with the lights off ain't we! Matter of fact by the description of the lady he is shackin' up wit, she sounds like one of my old hoes that ran off in the late 80's early 90's! If I recollect correctly I THINK her tricking name was Denial...or Delilah...or something that starts with a Dee man! Anyway, tell him send her back this way, let's make this money together! NEXT question!"

Dear "Sofabed Fred,"
I'm currently checking this shorty that, I'm REALLY into. She has just about everything going for her that a good woman should have. HOWEVER, what's been a constant thorn on my side is her over bearing moms, who's presently living with her that puts her two cents in all our affairs. Even our sex life! I'm straight ready to bounce but wifey sweares it's just for now till she knows me better. How should I go forward or call it a wrap and keep it moving?

Signed, "Ya Moms In My Bizness"

"Sofabed Fred" says "Man, I truly truly truly feel for this brother. I went through this SAME BS with my 3rd wife's mother man! Sounds to me like this old broad is missing that THANG THANG if you dig what I'm sayin.' Give me five on that! Two things is gonna go down if you see things my way. One is pull Momma Bear aside and say "Look, I can tell you ain't have none of this vitamin D in a while, you just need to chill the f**k out and let us do what we do. OR you can get with the program! Don't think I don't know that a threesome has cross your mind, cause it damn sure crossed mine! Holla at me when you ready. Make eye contact with that crusty broad like you MEAN that s**t, and watch how that b***h react. If she trips on that, then s**t send her old ass my way man! LOL, Sofabed likes that vintage stuff!"

Need advice that ONLY a true pimp can handle? (LOL) Then by all means send your questions to theMreport@gmail.com subject: "What would a pimp do?" Hopefully I'll run into him or reach him on his phone and answer back via post on this blog in a timely manner.

"I'm Into Ass-trology, What's Yo Sign?"-Back That Thang Up Like A Computer File!

Times are always changing huh? I remember when I was once YOUNG and HIP and knew all the slang on the streets these young bloods were kicking to one another. But in this age of texting, the Internet and blogging, the "lango" changes MUCH quicker than before. Here are the latest example of exactly what I'm referring to. Maybe you knew this info already, or you're just as LOST as me. LOL!

"Dumb Ass" -doesn't mean you're intellectually challenged any more! A "dumb ass" is in reference to when a woman walks past you and her ass is so NICE(!) that you lose your chain of thought as you're speaking. In other words, you "dumb out!" Also it can mean when the sex is SO good, you start to do dumb s**t to keep her ass around!

"Smart Ass" -You WOULD think that it would mean the total opposite of the first, but nope, you'd be wrong on that one. A "smart ass" is a chick that finally figures out that she just getting used for sex, or as a trophy piece in the club, and "smartens" up and gets wise to yo lies! It CAN also mean a woman that's hip to the maximus attention her gluteus gets and uses that to her advantage. What a "smart ass!"

"Ass Backwards" -Now this one shouldn't be so hard to figure out right? Well if you're still guessing, "ass backwards" means when a girl gives up sex early on (early is ummm like few days or a week at best) in the "relationship" then wants you to "wife her up" or play "trick daddy" on her, when you're REALLY good now! It's like spending BIG money on a state of the art home theater, only to play bootlegs or VHS tapes on the screen! That's "ass backwards!" You can't, repeat, CAN NOT be a jump-off for YEARS to a guy then...oh you get the point damn it!

"Funny Ass" -Well this describes those types that are iffy about having sex. One minute they're ALL over you, then in the the next instance, they're like a small room with the refrigerator door open, the AC on high, and the ceiling fan blowing...ICE COLD! So if you ever over hear some guy talking about how this girl he's dealing with is a "funny ass chick yo" trust me, he's NOT talking about her jokes! It's NOT funny...at all!

Okay, now due to popular (& high) demand, I just HAD to re-post this picture again! So question fellas, what type of asses do you think THESE are then? LOL! Talk amongst yourselves, but loud enough so I can hear!

"He Said / She Said!" -Battle Of The sEXes (Pt.1)

No matter how LONG man has been around, the opposite sex will always be a source of fascination for us. We're always one step away from breaking the mysterious scientific code of how the female (or male) brain works. But till then we're left in the dark always wondering just WHY they do what they do. Anyways recently I posed this Q&A with some guy friends of mine to get a better perspective on the "State of (Love ) Affairs" between the two sexes purely for s#1ts & giggles, & to hear the travesty that goes on out on "the field" that we assume only happens to us, but is surprisingly universal. I asked the gathered group to fill in the blanks to "I once dated a chick that..." and end it with "And she had the nerve to..." and got some rather hilarious comments back, that I'm sure you'll enjoy and share amongst friends & family alike. READ ON!

"I once dated a chick that..."
Wore weave, a heavily padded panties, colored contacts, press on nails,
and got her breast enlarged
And she had the nerve to...
say "Where all the REAL ni99as at?"

"I once dated a chick that...
Had FOUR kids by SIX different baby fathers
"And she had the nerve to..."
Call ME irresponsible!

"I once dated a chick that..."
NEVER paid for dates, dinner, drinks, movies, trips away...nothing!
"And she had the nerve to..."
Ask me while riding in her car "How come you never pay for gas?"

"I once dated a chick that..."
NEVER flushed after herself
"And she had the nerve to..."
Say I wasn't about s#@t , and how come I stay pissing her off!

"I once dated a chick that..."
Had INTENSE multiple orgasms EVERY TIME we had sex
"And she had the nerve to..."
Say I wasn't a dependable guy, she can't count on me (?)

"I once dated a chick that..."
Always sent me lovingly texts, e-mails, we Skyped on a daily basis, Facebook poked each other, and followed each other on Twitter!
"And she had the nerve to..."
Say when we broke up that we didn't know how to communicate!

"I once dated a chick that..."
Forgot we even dated!
"And she had the nerve to..."
Pass off a phony "cell phone" number which happened to be the same as MY home phone #!

"I once dated a chick that..."
Was so dumb she swore a "pothole" was when you burned a hole by mistake through your clothes while smoking weed!
"And she had the nerve to..."
Say "DUH!" after she said it.

"I once dated a chick that..."
Argued me down that Fab's "Throw it in the bag" song is about condoms & safe sex!
"And she had the nerve to..."
Admit to me that he came up with the title when she meet him back stage!

"I once dated a chick that..."
I found out for a fact that she slept with FOUR guys at the SAME time!
"And she had the nerve to..."
Tell me "Oh, I hate having to take the TRAIN!"

WILD right! Well ladies it's YOU'RE turn. I wanna hear your feedback, just to make things fair! I promise I'll post the good ones too, so stay tuned!

"Fools' Gold"- Black Market Babies

I don't know if you've heard (or even experienced this) but it seems to be a rash of bootleg condoms floating around town. Yep...booty condoms! And why oh why do they happen to be the kind that I frequently use, the Trojan Magnums ? During a recent convo (forgot just how this came up...no pun intended) but we we're all appalled by the notion that someone would sell (let alone make) "flim flams"...especially in the hood! Don't we have enough illegitimate kids runnin' round? First it was "Test Tube Babies", now it's "Bootleg Babies?" I can just see the first lawsuit court case "Leroy v.s. Ali's Bodega" and him bringing the kid to court as evidence. A key sign that you're about to use a "shame inner tube" is the real ones have thin metallic packaging, as for the "fakies" they're wrapped in super thin non-recyclable plastic. If "Muhammad" sells you a fugazi rubber, I say use it, carefully place it back in the wrapper (if you haven't nervously ripped it to threads already) and take it right back to the store, slam it down on the counter and say "Here! Now it's TWO scumbags in this store! Goodnight!"

"Tokens Of Affection" -Sex in the Gritty

Who's brilliant marketing idea was this?
I can just see the boardroom meeting for this one.
"We need a packaging that screams New York!
Something iconic that the common man can relate to.
How 'bout the Subway? Yes, yes, the train!" To that I say, "HUH?" The last thing that I wanna think about before "doing the do" is New York City Transit System! You don't know who's been in the seat you're in. It carries all types of infectious diseases. You have to pay to get on. And on top of that, it never comes when you want it to...Umm...Never mind it makes sense to me now. Forget it.