"Pimpin' Ain't Easy!" -Pimpin' Words Of Advise From "Sofabed Fred"

Often times in the morning on the train going to work, I run into this ol' G chillin' in the same car as I am. And if I'm lucky, I'll catch a seat across from him and be treated to free "relation-
ship advice" on how to "handle my womens friends" as "Sofabed Fred" would say. Now I've be DYING to do an advice column on this blog for years! But never quite kicked it off because of timing, fear of negative feedback, procrastination, etc. So when I approached "Sofabed" to ask if he would be interested he asked "What's this Interspace s**t? You mean like on the computers and thangs?" Ummm yeah, and it's called the InterNET not interspace! LOL. Gave him some small cash for this pocket to make it worth his while and proceeded to get his prospective on some pressing issues my "those whom shall remain nameless" friends may have. So I started off with a current one that seem right up his pimpin' alley.

Dear "Sofabed Fred",
I have this good friend of mine that's opposed to dating outside his race, especially WHITE women! Yet this brother is currently dating a young lady that sports this over-sized blonde weave, wears blue contacts, and I swear she's had a breast job done man! How do I explain to him that dating these "Black Barbies" is just a sign that he's in denial of hooking up with a "Becky" eventually!

Signed, "Mr GoodBar <3's the Milky Way"

"Sofabed Fred" says "This brother sounds like a young blood huh? Am I right? I would tell 'em like I tell all my 8 sons...It's ALL PINK baby! Stop tripping off skin junior, we all dark with the lights off ain't we! Matter of fact by the description of the lady he is shackin' up wit, she sounds like one of my old hoes that ran off in the late 80's early 90's! If I recollect correctly I THINK her tricking name was Denial...or Delilah...or something that starts with a Dee man! Anyway, tell him send her back this way, let's make this money together! NEXT question!"

Dear "Sofabed Fred,"
I'm currently checking this shorty that, I'm REALLY into. She has just about everything going for her that a good woman should have. HOWEVER, what's been a constant thorn on my side is her over bearing moms, who's presently living with her that puts her two cents in all our affairs. Even our sex life! I'm straight ready to bounce but wifey sweares it's just for now till she knows me better. How should I go forward or call it a wrap and keep it moving?

Signed, "Ya Moms In My Bizness"

"Sofabed Fred" says "Man, I truly truly truly feel for this brother. I went through this SAME BS with my 3rd wife's mother man! Sounds to me like this old broad is missing that THANG THANG if you dig what I'm sayin.' Give me five on that! Two things is gonna go down if you see things my way. One is pull Momma Bear aside and say "Look, I can tell you ain't have none of this vitamin D in a while, you just need to chill the f**k out and let us do what we do. OR you can get with the program! Don't think I don't know that a threesome has cross your mind, cause it damn sure crossed mine! Holla at me when you ready. Make eye contact with that crusty broad like you MEAN that s**t, and watch how that b***h react. If she trips on that, then s**t send her old ass my way man! LOL, Sofabed likes that vintage stuff!"

Need advice that ONLY a true pimp can handle? (LOL) Then by all means send your questions to theMreport@gmail.com subject: "What would a pimp do?" Hopefully I'll run into him or reach him on his phone and answer back via post on this blog in a timely manner.

"My Girl Likes To Party ALL the Time!" -Lovin' the Club...Literally!

As the weather gets better, and Spring has been fully sprung, sometimes tensions in relationships worsen and one starts to notice a sudden change in behavior. One may begin to wonder..."Is she see someone else?" Not that this has happen to me (or maybe it has, who knows). Well here's advice on what could be going on, It may not be another GUY but actual "the Club!" So fellas, please don't let this is "wake up call" go to voice mail. Lol. Read along the clues that your boo maybe "Lovin' the Club."

1) She knows the names and addresses of EVERY club/bar/lounge in town by heart, and can remember the other three names the club used to go by...in alphabetical order!

2) She wears VIP armbands as bracelets and hand stamps like tattoos.

3) She gets "shout-outs" from the DJ whenever you walk in to any club.

4) She has all party promoters in her top 5 cell numbers.

5) Receives cheek kisses from the bouncers, the cashier, the coat check girl, the promoters, the bartenders, the DJ, the owner AND the damn rest room attendants, yet NEVER worked there.

6)Frequents after work parties, but barely even works!

7) You only "date" between the hours of 5am to 8am.

8) You one day notice a group of off duty cabbies pointing and snickering, as you walk pass with her arm in arm.

9) She bought eye contacts the same color of Hpnotiq.

10) She carries around in her purse an array of wristbands, just to sneak into VIP.

11) Her daughter's name is Alize', and the twin are called Gin & Juice.

12) Her work clothes look damn near like her club clothes!

13) At least 5 of your good friends you know claim that they've taken her home after just meeting over breakfast after a night of partying, hence the secret nick name "Diner Vagina"