"I'am No (D') Angel(o)" -Slice of the Humble Pie, Not Devil's

Didn't know if you caught this in the news paper today but it seems like D'Angelo road back from obscurity is hitting some "pot" (pun intended) holes. Now for the second time he's in the headline for something other than new music rumors and an arrest. Earlier Saturday morn, ya boy the "Yoda of Neo-Soul" was arrest for asking for head from an (unknown to him at the time) undercover cop! Reports say it occurred in the West Village, where he was more or likely was taking a break from recording at near by Electric Lady (that Jimi Hendrix once owned) studio. Luckily for you readers of the Minority Report, you get the exclusive inside scoop of the convo that went down between 5-O and D' read along to yourself.

Scene: D'Angelo is "Cruisin' " near Washington Square Park (well known city hang out for prosties & druggies) he pulls up in his Range Rover next to some fly "Spanish Joint" and reported says...

D'Angelo: Hey, slow it down "Brown Sugar!" I got a "Jonz In My Bones" & "I Feel Like Makin' Love." Or at least a good blow job...What's good?

Undercover cop: What you some "Playa Playa" or something? It's gonna cost you to get a slice of this "Devil's Pie"... $40 "Alright?"

D'Angelo: $40 for just head? Well "Greatdayinthemorning!!!" S#@t! Prices done went up "Higher" huh?

Undercover Cop: You gotta know how to treat a "Lady!" Now let me hop in and you can keep driving "Left & Right" till you see this small dark alley and hand me the money.

D'Angelo: Oh you too "Smooth" for me man! Now tell me "One Mo' Gin" it's $40 dollars RIGHT? Just for some kisses on my head? S#@t better be hot like "Chicken Grease" ma!

Undercover Cop: I got that "Untitled" s#@t Poppy! When I'm done you tell me "How Does It Feel?" Once you come down from the roof top! (Laughing) By the way, does anybody tells you you look like D'angelo? You just A LOT fatter than him...No offense.

D'angelo: (Laughing) I hear "The Line" ALL the time ma! None taken, now here's the money bitch...no offense! (Laughing harder)

Undercover Cop: Word? Bitch?!? Well this bitch is placing yo ass under arrest! Now how does THAT feel?!?

D'Angelo: Awww "Shit Damn Motherf@%ker!" I KNEW I shoulda keep my ass in "Africa" with Dave Chappelle on vacation man! It's like I got some bad luck "Voodoo" spell on me! F#@K!

Tues. September 15th is V-Day! United We Stand & Party Hard @ Aspen TONIGHT!

If you happen to be under the sign of Virgo, and you need to feel good about yourself. Just take a gander of the list of well known names of people that share your sign. You're in GREAT company damn it! Pick your head up and just think "If I just turned out to lead half the life these guys did, I'am GOOD!" Unfortunately for me the ONLY person which whom I share the exact same day with was Jimmy Fallon (Sept. 19th) but I won't let that get me down...not today! If you have a B'day past or soon to come, you're more than welcome to join us tonight @ "WORD To Everything I Love!" -30 W. 22nd St. bet. 5th & 6th. 6pm-1am We're going IN! Non-Virgos are welcome too.

Here is a list of people who share the star sign Virgo:

Adam Sandler
Agatha Christie
Andy Roddick
Angie Everhart
Ani Difranco
Amy Irving
Arnold Palmer
Barry White
Beyonce Knowles
Bill Murray
Brooke Burke
Bruce Springsteen
Cameron Diaz
Charlie Parker
Charlie Sheen
Claudia Schiffer
Dan Rather
Dave Chappelle*
(His sense humor of course)
David Copperfield
Eric Stoltz
Faith Hill
Fiona Apple
Gloria Estefan
Gloria Gaynor
Greta Garbo
Guy Ritchie*
(His memory of sleeping w/ Madonna...Oh yeah, and making cool ass movies)
H. G. Wells
Harry Connick Jr
Henry Ford II*
(Duh, my own car company!)
Hugh Grant
Ingrid Bergman
Jada Pinkett Smith
Jason Priestley
Jeremy Irons
Jimmy Fallon
Jacqueline Bisset
Jennifer Tilly
Jesse Owens
Julio Iglesias
Keanu Reeves
Kenny Baker (R2D2)*
(His on set memories of Star Wars)
Lance Armstrong*
(His endless supply of those once trendy yellow bands)
Lauren Bacall
LeAnn Rimes
Lily Tomlin
Luke Wilson
Macaulay Culkin
Macy Gray
Michael Jackson*
(His commanding presence, and maybe a pet monkey)
Michael Keaton
Mickey Rourke
Mike Piazza
Moby
Mother Teresa
Nicole Richie
Oliver Stone
Peter Sellers
Pink
Queen Elizabeth I
Raquel Welch
Rachel Ward
Rachel Hunter
Ray Charles*
(His own movie about him)
Richard Gere
Ricki Lake
Ryan Phillippe
Salma Hayek
Scott Baio
Sean Connery*
(His memories of making out w/all those "Bond" girls!)
Shania Twain
Sophia Loren
Steve Guttenberg
Stephen King
Tim Burton*
(His cool shades & funky hair style)
Tom Landry
Tommy Lasorda
Tommy Lee Jones
Van Morrison
Virginia Madsen
Warren Buffett*
(No guessing here, it's the $)

*The ones in red are who I'd be a mix of, if I had my way.

"The (What's Really) Real World"- BK Edition

Please tell me, did you heard that MTV's casting and filming their hit series show "the Real World" in Brooklyn folks!?! When hearing of this, my first thought was that skit that Dave Chappelle did mocking the show...Hill, Larry, Us! I'm hoping that it's in Bed-Stuy, Fort Greene, or Bushwick that the cast will be shacked up in. I'll pay good money to get (legal) cable for that one man (or at least wait till that season is released on DVD)! More than likely, It'll be staged in some Brooklyn Heights / Park Slope brownstone, like a racially mixed episode of the Huxtables or something like that. How Rudy!

Dear MTV,
Please just keep it "real" like that title suggests, and film all the corner store arguements, and the random bum fights, with the distant gunfire shot sounds still left in. You will regain my respect you lost, so many years ago. Thanks in advance.

-the Minority Report

"It Was All A Dream"-Outkast Private Listening Party!

Late last night after finishing off a Philly Cheese Stake w/ extra poppin' toppings, and a grape soda (no Coke) to wash it down, I get a strange phone call. I can't make out the persons voice but they're inviting me out to some studio in Manhattan, where Outkast is mixing down tracks for their lastest musical offering, and they need me...your boy...the Minority Report's opinion. So I stumble in the dark to get dressed and find a pen to write down the address, but was told don't worry a car would be sent for me...DOPE! When the car service arrives, Badu (?) is already in the car talking as if I'm her BFF, how she reads the blog EVERYDAY, and how she wrote a song titled the same name as the blog you're now reading. We make one pit stop to get Cheez Doodles and some (extreme) sour patch candy, when out the blue, Bilal jumps in to catch a ride with us (ummm maybe i was catching one with them lol!) We get to the studio in NYC record time, like the streets were empty or something. Once inside, freaking everybody's there! Sleepy Brown, Janelle Monae',Cee-Lo, ?uestlove, D'Angelo(!), Dave Chapelle, Raphael Saadiq, and Obama...yes that Obama! With some security (cause you know how these Hip-Hop affairs can get) passing out Coronas dude! Freaking Coronas! I excuse myself to run throw water on my face, in the restroom, and curse myself for forgetting my trusted camera. Yet some photog guy, in the bathroom says, he'll just e-mail me his professional shots (NO Homo). SWEET Mary, Joseph & Jesus! How and why is this happening to me? I thank him sincerely, and rush back to hear the tracks they're cueing up to play. That's when out the blue, dressed in an apron that reads "Kiss the Cook...Ass!" comes walking in, is my Moms!!! With a pot of steaming hot grits in her hand, mad I'm out late! I lose it, and just jump up out of my deep sleep. I laugh and shake me head like, "DAMN that was nutso!" I GOTTA stop munching before I go to bed man?!?

"LMAO For Real" -Paul Mooney and Tommy Davidson

Two of the biggest names in comedy will be appearing starting this coming Thurs. through Sun. (March 20-23) at Caroline's comedy club in Times Square. Tommy Davidson, who gain national fame as a regular cast member (along with a dancing J-Lo) on the '90's sketch comedy show "In Living Color". Will be doing a 8:00pm set of all new stand-up material. Then at 10pm, the legendary Paul Mooney (ex-writer for G.O.A.T comedian Richard Pryor and sometime "Chapelle Show" guest) will take the stage to "brighten" the room up. Please plan ahead and purchase an adult diaper to wear to the show. You wouldn't want the stain on your pants from laughing, and become part of the act too.

Caroline's Comedy Club
1626 Broadway (near 50th St.)
Thurs. through Sun. (March 20-23)
Show times 8PM (Tommy) and 10PM (Paul)
tix $34.75 (Tommy) $31.00 (Paul)